Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Brain on Fire

Ran out of anti-inflammatory meds 2 weeks ago, and they've worn off completely. Bad day today. Had tremors, numbness, and spasticity in the a.m., and burning sensations allover. Went to bed after breakkie, then walked to laundromat. Was going about my business, when a woman accused me of stealing "her" laundry cart. Naturally, I launched a stream of obscenities at her, made fun of her, and imagined slamming her head repeatedly against the washer. It felt like my brain exploded, as if it were suddenly on fire. It took me 2 hours to calm down. After these incidents, I feel confused, shaky, exhausted, and depressed. Also terrified that I will do something terrible while "out of my head". Sorry, lady at the laundromat.

My legs were completely numb by the time I walked home. I cried and cried, and banged on my legs and head, as if that would make them return to life. How is it possible for legs to be numb and hurt at the same time?

I have been wondering if it is possible for my medical condition to be caused by my forceps delivery. I found out that 56% of forceps-delivered infants have bleeding between the skull and neck, and that this injury can lead to bacterial infection, including meningitis, as well as neurological problems later in life. Such a neck injury could explain my: head and neck pain; headaches with vomiting, sensitivity to light and sound, "electric shock" sensations in neck; and even the pseudobulbar effect (inappropriate emotional outbursts or responses) I have struggled with since I was a little child. "Why are you so angry all the time?" my little friends would ask me. I didn't even know I was angry – in my head, I felt "normal"; I didn't know any better. But it made me sad when they avoided me after these episodes.

Thought about going to ER to ask for a Spinal Tap and anti-inflammatory, but surely they would laugh at me?! And if it is meningitis, it is an old infection. An old friend, as it were.

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